*sister walks in and points at the wilting rose on my desk*
Her: Have you found someone to love you, yet? Do it soon, or you'll look like that forever.
Me: ... -foreveralone-
sportyspice94: i believe that i was a chicken fajita in my past life
WHY CAN'T I BE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN COVERED IN...
Normal flirting: Hey babe you're so pretty and sweet.
Me: If you were a potato, you'd be a nice potato.
if i summon satan in the middle of class do you think the teacher will excuse me
queefjerkey: my hidden talent is letting all of my homework and other obligations pile up until the very last minute so i can crack under the pressure and have a mental breakdown
store guy: /extensively stares at boobs
me: yes, hello, i'm here because my mobile's not working. also if you could please stop looking at my breasts?
store guy: oh my god i wasn't looking at your breasts! - i mean, that, too, but... /slowly unbuttons shirt
me: ... why are you taking your shirt off now
store guy: /dramatically opens shirt to reveal iron man tee
me: /looks down at her captain america tee
store guy: /happy seal-clapping
me: oh my god we match
store guy: if we can't repair your phone, you can be damn sure we'll avenge it!
Who do you talk to when you're best friend becomes...
beatricebaudelaires: too bad the internet didn’t exist back in the 1960s or we could’ve had a rockin’ kinkmeme for Beatles slash
I don’t like this expression “First World problems.” It is false and it is...– “What’s Wrong with First World Problems” (via grrrlstudies)
Mrs Hudson: Knock knock
John: Who's there
Mrs Hudson: Nacho
John: Nacho who?
Mrs Hudson: Nacho housekeeper
I wonder if Beethoven held his breath the first time his fingers touched the...– Andrea Gibson (via fuckyeahgingervicky)
When I am lonely for boys it’s their bodies I miss. I study their hands lifting...– Margaret Atwood (via joydivisions)
Person: Theatre is stupid.
Person: Musicals are gay.
Police: So can you tell me what happened?
Me: He ran into my knife.
Me: He ran into my knife ten times.
Captain Jack Harkness: hey i just met you
Captain Jack Harkness: and this is crazy bu-
The Doctor: NO.
The Doctor: STOP IT.
10 yr old: omg i can't wait to be a teenager i'll go out to parties with my friends and wear cool clothes and skip school and drink and play music really loud and get grounded and sneak out and stay up late and go to concerts and have an amazing social life omg i can't wait
me: spills cereal on cat